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第30章 爱在不言不语中 1（第1页）

第30章爱在不言不语中（1）

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DearMom

克丽斯汀·古尔德eGoold

&yyears，IamfioappreciatethemotheryouhavebeehoughJanaisohsold，IfeelIhavelearyouiimesihaninallmyyearsupandbreakinga>

AsIgoaboutmynewlifeforJana，Itlywonder，howohdidyoudoit？You，whoraisedwo，butsix.I'mstillfeelingshockwavesfromthedupheavalonechildhasmadeinmylife，andIknowthateriencedsofarisonlyaglimpse，thebaresthint，ofallyouwentthrus.

"Youlearntosacrifiyouhave."wasoneofyourstockphrasesingup.Toyou，sacrifiecessaryvirtue，aofparenthood.ButIdidn'tgoforthat.Isideredsaotonlyunnecessary，butunfashionableanddhtunappealingaswell.

Well，Mom，whatIsay？I'mlearning.

Lately，I'vebeguntolookonmotherhoodasaninitiationinto"reallife."Idon'tthinkIrealizeduntilJana'sbirththatthelifeI'dledpreviously—relativelyfree，easy，athelifeledbymostpeople—pastorpresent.Bybeother，Iseemtohaveacquiredautomaticmembershipintoauniversalclubmadeupofuiesaies，limitationsanddifficulties，aimes，unsolvableproblems.Ofcourse，theclubhasitsbeoo.

WhenJanawakesfromherafternoonnapand，sohappytoseeme，givesmeherradiantfull-facesmile，Ismilebadfeelonmyowhesmileyouusedtogivemewhehem.Or，whehingparticularlycute，I'llglaGary，andinthelookweexgeIseetheoneIremembergbetweenyouandDadatoppositeeable.ItwasalookfulloffeelingsIilnow.

WhenIholdJaomeandlookdowntoseemyhandtightacrossherchest，orwhenItuketaroundherwhileshesleepsandtouchtheskinofhercheek，Iseeyourhands（thhandswiththeirsmoothovalnails，steadyanddg）doihings.ThenIfeelasifsomeoftheloveayyougaveththosehandsisnowinmine，asIpassthatloveontoJana.

&herdayJanafellasleepagainstmyarm.Imusthavespewearingather，marvelicolorofherhair，thesupplenessofherskiih，movingnowandthearushIfelt，ofloveandwonder，ofdludmore.IsuddenlyrememberedsomethingIsawonyourfacelastsummer，whenIwashomeonavisitshortlyafterJana'sbirth.

&ingonthegliderswinginthebackyard.Itwasal，coolthereintheshade，andtheairwasfullranyarden.IwasholdingJaoelemovementoftheswing.

ButIwasn'tenjoyinganythingjustthen.I'dhadaroughnight.Janawassixweeksoldandhadbeenupeveryfewhours.I，fretfulandnervousasoherbe，hadbeenhavingtroublefallingbacktosleepbetweenherfeedings.Iwasdtired，andnotfeelingcheerfulaboutthismotherhoodbusiall.

Sittingontheglider，wetalked—orrather，Italked，lettingloosemyloadofayandfrustrationsonyou.Andoutoftheblue，youreachedovertotouchmyhair.

"It'ssopretty，"yousaid，anoddexpressiononyourface."Thewaythesunishittingitiusticedyouhadshlightsbefore."

Alittleembarrassed，preoccupiedwithhtsandproblems，Ishruggedoffyourent.Idon'tknowwhatIsaid，somethingshortanddismissive，nodoubt，asIwavedawaytheent.Butyourwordsaffectedme.Ithadbeenalongtimesineohingtrulybeautifulinme，andI>

IthastakehislohatthelookyougavemethatdayisthesamelookIgiveheralmostdaily.AnditmakesmewopossiblethatyoustillseethemiramethatIseeinJahemagiueevenwhenyrownandgoneahemselves？WillIlookatJanainthirtyyearsandstillfeelthesamerushofloveforherthatIdonow？

Italmosthurtstothinkofthatki'stoovulile.Ikhebarriersthatspriweeheirovertheyears，thefriisuandings，thedailyflidstruggles，theiablepullingawayandfinalbreakforindependence.IachetothinkthatsomedayJanaaveawaymytentativewordsofloveasIdidyours.

enstothatfirst，strongrushoflove？Isitloststheway，buriedbeiicalitiesfchild？Orisitthereallalong，unvoiexpressed，until，perhaps，anewchildisbornandamotherreachesouttothter'shair？

That，itseemstome，istherealmiracle：thewayamother'sloveisrediscovered，repeated，passedonagainandagain—asithasbeenhandeddowninourlivesfromyoutome，frommetoJana，andfromJaoherowisagiftinitself.

&I'vebeeosayallalongis，thanks，Mom.

30年后，我终于开始体会到妈妈的苦心了。

尽管我的女儿嘉娜才只有10个月大，但我还是觉得，她出生后不久我便更加了解您的艰辛了，比我在您身边长大和离开您之后的所有日子里都更加了解。

当我开始自己照看嘉娜的新生活时，我就一直在想，您到底是如何做到这一切的？您抚养的不是我这一个孩子，也不仅是两个孩子，而是六个孩子。

我至今还在震惊于一个孩子带给我生活的巨变，而且我知道，此刻我所经历的，相对于您抚养我们的艰辛而言，才只是冰山一角，微乎其微。